Letting Go

It's hard letting go of control.

I don't really like to show my emotions. I'm not sure if that's the introvert (true INFJ here) part of me, or just the way I was raised, but whether I'm happy or sad, I try not to show too much.
But then that becomes a problem when those emotions pile up. Especially the sad and bad ones.
It's only been about 2 weeks since I've self quarantined at home. It feels like it's been months. And the fact that I'm an introvert doesn't mean this is easy for me. Choosing to stay in versus being asked to stay in are very different. Being an introvert doesn't mean I like staying home constantly. Sometimes I like being lost in a crowd at the craft store or bookstore.

This week felt like the longest week ever. In preparation for online learning for my students, I've had a day and a half crash course in zoom, google classroom, hyperdocs, iMovie, screen recording, and other digital resources. I'm trying to think ahead about what parents might need help with or what support students might need. All I want to do is see my kids face to face and be back in our classroom, our beloved safe haven. But I know that's not possible right now. So I push forward, scarfing down 4:00 lunches, taking a quick break outside to check the mail, and lay exhausted at midnight thinking what else I need to do tomorrow. I'm not good at working from home.

But I am slowly starting to take some time and focus on letting go of some control. I can't control technology mishaps. I can't control what students will learn this coming week. I can't control this virus, or the unbelievable hate and racism Asians are getting or constant fears of what might happen. When I try to control something and tighten my grip, things fall apart. I feel like my life lesson from God is always this: Let go. God's in control. You don't have to do it alone.

I have a devotional called The Daily Life by Morgan Harper-Nichols. Today's devotional says:

Some may ask, "How could you believe in God when there's so much going wrong in the world?"

Yes, the world seems to grow darker and darker, especially now with the loss of life and jobs and hope. But God is with us. He is our Deliverer.

So despite this week being CRAZY stressful, there's always some good in everything; blessings in disguise. I realized how much I took for granted:

1. Being able to just drive to ANY store and browse for hours.
2. Talking to strangers. Now, you KNOW I'm an introvert, but I talked to the grocery cashier the WHOLE TIME she was ringing up my stuff. It was great.
3. Restaurant food. I miss it.
4. My school. My classroom. My kids. My sweet, sweet kids who gave me hugs and called my name a million times a day and drove me bonkers and made me laugh and cry and repeat my directions a million times. Ugh.
5. Friends and being able to just hang out.
6. My Korean drama watching parents; all day..on high volume. ;)

All these blessings were in my life, unnoticed. I don't know what next week will bring, but I am choosing to let go of the things I can't control.